BIBLICAL EXEGISIS TM to the Uriel University


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And yes we do at times eat blackberry tarts.

Note: the sardonic humor often detected in these quizzes, see ROBIN WILLIAMS TALK ABOUT COMEDY AS A DISTRACTION FROM GRIEF HERE
This is why we seem to deeply need Eucatastrophe..because comedy alone is not enough to give us enough joy.
Like all courses at Uriels, this class is designed to run for 16 weeks.
It is an introduction to the bible as a historical document as well as literature and theology
In depth bible studies on various themes such as the letters of St Paul, the Passion of Jesus etc are available at Frassati fellowship
The course is worth 4 credits if taken at the college level where a 45 minute oral presenation on some topic is part of the work.
The fall semester will include the Advent season and the spring trimester includes Lent, while the summer is simply "ordinary time."

the fall trimester is starting, and once again biblical exegesis is free at Mass.
Its good for a history credit a sociology credit and of course theology as well.
One never hears of Jesus charging money for his teaching; in fact apparently he made it available to anyone who was interested, free of charge.
No time for Mass?
Take a quick five minute quiz on the Logos.

Today's gospel is the famous parable of the A. vineyard. B. talents. C. loaves and fishes.

A talent in those times was probably: A. A shofar contest.
B. Money. C. a PhD program.

According to this parable we should not A hoard money while others suffer. B. Hoard doughnuts because it will get mouldy. C. hoard anything, really.

Today is the feast of Chalma and also of Saint A. Ambrose of Milan. B. Anselm of the cathedral. C. Augustine of hippo.

Was Augustine named for August?
Yes, he was born in August. B. Yes, he died in August. C. Both he and the month were named after Caesar Augustus which incidentlly is related to the Italian word, Auguri.

Sometimes it's hard to meditate and pray but there's always the word of God, and the Holy spirit hangs around the word of god like a hipster hanging around an espresso bar.
How do I know this?
So many times the scripture in my head will be the one at Mass, it happened last night I was talking to somebody and I said "the sin is what starts in your heart and comes out" and this morning I said to God ,how can I medidate I just cant, so the thought came to me, just read the readings and that's the gospel today. This happens so often it can't be a mistake. And other people have told me they too have had this experience.

This is similiar to what happened with Oropa which I had never heard of but last weekend i picked up the valanga book and said to Pier Giorgio, geesh I wonder if you are coming with me on Vacation --which wasnt really a vacation because I was working but at least I was working for myself instead of everybody else, and might actually get money for it--and I opened the book to this thing about Oropa and it turned out to be the centenary this year, in fact this very day, one week after I found out about it.
Why? Because the spirit loves PGF and hangs around the books about him.


God told the people that if they kept his statutes they would A. die. B. Live . C. know everything and kick him out of paradise.

This sounds a lot like what we were supposd to do in Eden where there were exactly how many statutes?

A. one. B. five thousand two hundred and seven. C. more than anyone could ever deal with.

Psalm 15 amazingly prohibits A.cussing B lending money at interest. C. running laps around little island in bare feet due to dog hooey.

If the american economy adhered to Gods will why we might all A. starve. B. kill each other. C. actually find out what the garden of Eden is all about.

James says that True Religion is visiting orphans and Jesus like wise told hte pharisees they had a lot to A learn B. spend. C. repent of.
TA DA ! you just did a half hour meditation! wasnt so hard was it? HAPPY OROPA AND HAPPY DEATH OF JOHN THE BAPTIST O NOOOOOOOOOOOO


Jesus today returns to his hometown, and what does he do?
A. hits the club to get the latest ibiza drops.
B. Hits the carnival for the ferris wheel.
C. hits the synagogue on the sabbath as Israelites are known to do.
He stands up and reads from A. the latest childish gambino lyrics. B. the book of Kells. C. the book of the prophet Isaiah.
The people were astonished because A. he was a blue collar worker yet sounded like an angel.
B he smelled like halibut though he had been fishing for trout.
C. his sandals didnt' match.
When he called out their lack of faith, they attempted to
A. burn his bagels and put him on the first donkey back to bethlehem.
B. throw him in a wishing well
C. Throw him off a cliff.
What did he do?
carpet bombed Jezreel with Egyption mmercenaries he had met back in the day.
torched their plaintain crops with kerosene in the middle of the night.
sneaked off quietly to avoid being murdered.


Jesus went down to Caper naum is this related to one of the best stories ever about construction and jealousy, the books of Ezra and Nehemiah? Nahum and Nehem would have looked the same written down...

At any rate, just as they had been in Nazareth (Na--zaret) the people of caper naum were astonished at the erudition.

here come the leaks with alfonse, for the demons blew Jesus cover and cried A."we know who you are". B. We know how much money you stashed in the Caymans. C. We know the guy down the street fixed your lamborghini.

Who did the demons say that Jesus was?

A. The most mind boggling military menace since Alexander the Great.
B. THe law and the prophet.
C. A weirdo.
D. the Holy one of God.

Why would the demons agree with Saint Peter on this point?
A. because oddly, they wanted to tell the truth.
B. because oddly, they wanted to be the pope.
C. Because oddly, they were going to betray jesus to the roman procurator.
D. All of the above.

What did Jesus do to the demons?
A. made them stop harassing people.
B. made fun of them.
C. flogged them.
D. turned them into frogs.

Why are demons unclean?
A, they are homeless and never shower.
B. They have dirty minds.
C. they hang around mud flats and swamps and the like. D. Both A and Z, but not G.

Today is the feast of Giles or Egidio, (read Farmer Giles of Ham if you're curious about Tolkien's take on all this)

The nosey demons were following the crowds of stan fans and paparazzi even into Peters own home where Jesus healed Pete's
A. Pet terrier.
B. Bunions caused by bad sandals and long dusty roads.
Mother in law, who then proceeded to cook lasagna for all and sundry. well, maybe strike out the last part.

The slow, stupid demons saw the miracles and figured out that Jesus A. was a magician performing in vegas most nights in the Jerusalem off season. B. was probably God. C. was a big ole show off.

Jesus shouted
"will you PULEEZE shut UP"
B. would you like to put up a finsta for me on twitter?
C. Great, now I have to camp out in the woods again and I'll probably run into Thoreau and Emerson and God knows I'll and never get away.

Let us all take a moment, and realize that Jesus who was surely a fascinating and generous man, even if you dont believe he is God, was actually a fugitive from the established government for most of his public and even private life.

Luckily his folks were the quiet type and did not attract much attention, otherwise he might never have made it to 21 much less 30.


Again, take a moment to love Jesus and hear him. If you want to, of course. He loves you anyways. For, when the communist doctor said to Pio, I dont believe in God, Pio said calmly, no, but God believes in you.
Psalm 98 is a theological endorsement of A. Musical Psychology. B. tacos supremos.
C. tik tok version of the way I R.

Rejoice with the lyre cries the psalmist, for A. the guitar strings are broken. B. You dont know how to play the trumpet do you.
the lord has won a great victory for us.

Peter followed Jesus because jesus proved A. he was better at fishing than Peter. B. He was better at surfing than Peter. C. He was better at scuba diving than Peter.

This once again proves the first thing we really want is A. money to buy food. B. Money to buy everything else. C. Yeah, that.

But Jesus does not scold Peter for being worldly, instead he says
"you will now be fishers of men".
B. "you will now be fishy. C. You will now be fisher kings.


This is just extra credit, since we already have 25 questions.

Speaking of Popes and fish, Today Sept 3rd we recall the immensely wealthy and politically connected Roman prefect A. Gennaro Gattuso, who became a doctor of hte church for his pithy saying "sometimes ees a good, sometimes eesa sheet.
B. Gimli the dwarf, famous for warring with Legolas.
Gregory the Great or Gregorio Magno.

Gregorys father was actually a Roman. A. Ruin. B. fortress. C. Senator.

By the age of 30 he was already A. richer than God. B. dead of the plague of Justinian. C. the prefect of Rome, having inherited the office.

Jesus recommends eating and drinking while A. going to school to learn new stuff.
walking around the desert looking for the promised land.
training for hte marathon with "P.E."

After all he notes, no one puts new wine into A. a well. B. a beer stein. C. a dirty bottle.

First saturday and mother teresa of Calcutta, grab extra credit like a disciple grabbing extra wheat.

The disciples were rambling through a field of A. grapevines. B. pears. C. Wheat.
This was immortalized in A. the song "why did I steal those pears" a christian rock song abuot St Augustine
B. Rolling in the wheat by Adele.
a parable about the Sabbath.

THe Pharisees could not believe Jesus was God if he did not keep the Sabbath, and Jesus was frustrated with the pharisees because they were unable to see that A. Love is above the law.
B. Love is the fulfillment of the law.
C. The law forbids love.

This is a very big problem in America whose culture came from a tradition of political philosophy which thought secular law was superior to
A.The martyrs executed by secular rulers B. the eucharist. C. Both A and B.

Mother teresa gave a speech at Harvard. Let's all consider what that might mean in light of Today's gospel, since what is now Harvard University grew out of a project to debunk the Catholic Church.


SUNDAY.Jesus is once again exposed this time not by a demon but by A. An Elf. B. A donkey. C. the crowds.

Jesus then said, A. Dont you know Caesar wants to kill me>? B. Please do not say anything about this miracle. C. I'm thirsty.

As the year begins in the Hebrew Calendar, the reading is from A. the book of Kells. B. Baudelairs' les fleurs du mal. C. Genesis, the first book of the Torah.

God put us in the garden where there was plenty of good A. muscle cars. B. Food to eat. C. whiskey and billiards.

In the Gospel, Jesus says basically "dont worry be happy" B. Dont worry about tomorrow when today has enough problems. C. Bubble bubble toil and trouble I like Fred flintstone but God help Barney Rubble."

Before Jesus selected his company he spent all night A. in prayer. B. at a party. C. fishing on the sea of Galilee.

From this we may infer that God helped him to figure out things he couldn't figure out, such as A. who should help him in his mission. B. why do birds build nests in trees. C. WHo is the most popular social media influencer right now
ALthough God told him aparently to pick Judas, Judas was corrupte din the end by A. Money. B. Money. C. Money. I'll say no more.

Today is the birthday of the Blessed Mother, and the gospel from Matthew traces the geneaology of Jesus all the way back to Abraham of A Ur. B Oar. C. Ari and or Dion.

This connects Abram directly to which archangel? A. Uriel. B. Gabriel. C. Michael.

The famous volcano known as the gates of hell is not in Ur however but in A. The Grand Canyon. B. Italy. C. Ethiopia.

Moreover, Jesus was not conceived by sexual relations but instead by
A. spiritual relations.
B. An angel disguised as a Greek God who had relations with a mermaid.
C. a philosopher who thought the idea of an incarnate God would sell books.

The inheritance of Abram is actually
A. Eternal life.
B. The economic price of the exit from Afghanistan

B. the estate of the ten richest billionaires, minus the value of the Roman empire multiplied by the number of people on the planet squared.

Today September 9 to honor Pio we study the readings of our lady of graces.

the miracle at canaa is where Jesus changed Water into wine, but was he merely sick of water?
The fall season always heralds regattas and crew races so why not look at Jesus and water.
The first mystery of light is A. He was baptizedinthe Jordan river.
B. He went fishing with Peter James and John.
C. he mixed earth and water to heal a deaf man.

When he was being baptized he said to John, "dont muss my do, brother, I've got a photo shoot coming up.

Are there pirhanas in here?

We need to do this to fulfill God's word.

The next mystery of light is A. He turned ordinary water into sweet manichevitz.

He turned fanta into sprite.

He actaully turned a fantasma into a sprite.

The next interaction with water is when he calls a bunch of
A. plumbers.
B. gondoliers.
C. fishermen.

He also walks on water, prompting the friends to think he's A. a ghost. B. a merman.
crazy and nuts.

Today in the Psalm we find the singer saying "you are God and I have no good apart from you" which is probably the verse Jesus was quoting when he said "no one is good but God alone" B. woe unto you Chorazin. C. She is not dead, she is asleep.

St Paul notes that he is an apostle because God called him though at the time he was A. executing Saint Steven.

B. Preaching at the Acropolis, shortly before his arrest.

C. fishing for trout with Peter, where they got into a heated argument about whether bagles were kosher if cooked in bacon fat versus fish oil. Tragically, the boat capsized and caused a tidal wave which swamped the cities of Tyre and Sidon but this did not make it into the bible. Kidding. The point of this joke is that war always always always has collateral damage that costs too much to repair, hi uncle Joe.

How can you take the speck from my eye if your own eye has A. a rebar. B. a plank. C. a home depot gift card.

How can a blind man lead A. Steve Wonder. B. Andrea Bocelli. C. Both a and B.

Today the mass to commemmorate 9/11 has a reading about buildng the house on a foundation of rock.

this is probably A. our hearts, B.the twin towers.C. the ziggurat of Ur ,the tower of Babel and the Dubai hotel.

Who wants to eat A. brambles. B. thorns. C. good fruit.

you can't get watermelons from A. A fig tree B. A fig tree unless its GMO. C.Both A and B.

As Pasolini often noted, these metaphors dont' make sense if we never A. go out in the garden. B. turn off the machines for a while. C. both a and b.

Though tolkien wrote the two towers long before Osama plotted to wreck them, Perhaps the most apt modern day metaphor for babel is A. the falling man B. the falling waters of Frank LLoyd wright. C. the falling trees when too many towers are built in the first place (maybe theres more than one correct answer here.,

In the letter of James, he says, what good is it if you tell your brother "peace be with you" and then he A. goes hungry and freezes in the cold.
B. goes to the wrong synagogue. C. Joins a street gang in the favelas.

If you believe in God you will instinctively do works of A. Evil. B. Mercy. C. block chain.

Peter was hoping Jesus would be A. a rich, important messiah who would promote Peter to some cool position. B. better than Paul. C. anything but a three time loser who did hard time in Pilate's prison.

Jesus then responded A. get out of the car, Satan. B. Get off your high horse, Satan. C. get behind me, Satan, while brandishing a rosary once touched to Padre Pio's beard.

Whoever wants to follow Jesus is in for A. A hard row to hoe. B. eternal joy. C. both A and B.